When you make amends, you acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions that have hurt others. They take different forms, including direct amends, indirect amends, and living amends. The origin of living amends in modern use relates to addiction recovery and substance abuse treatment. However, in the context of grief recovery, David Kessler, in his book Finding Meaning, talks about the importance of living amends as a tool for grief healing.
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- Steps 10, 11, and 12 are considered the “maintenance steps” once amends have been made, and these steps focus on continuing to take personal inventory, trusting in God, and helping others.
- If approaching the other person opens up old wounds or re-traumatizes them, making amends isn’t advisable.
- It’s also important to have a plan and be prepared for different possible reactions, with guidance from a sponsor and support group of some kind.
- Before completing step nine, the recovering alcoholic needs to be ready to deliver their message with the best intentions, not motivated by false expectations.
- Avoid initiating a conversation if the other person is distracted or upset by something unrelated.
This involves going to each individual and acknowledging the harm/hurt you’ve caused them and demonstrating changed behavior to give them an opportunity to heal. Making direct amends to those harmed https://ecosoberhouse.com/ is the focal point of the Ninth step in the 12-step process. This step goes beyond verbal apologies – it requires a demonstration of changed behaviors and a commitment to correcting past wrongs.
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This can take a very long time, months or even a year for some, but you shouldn’t rush it. Apologizing in this way may open the door to continued healing, growth, and restored relationships in recovery. The only thing we can show people today is our love, commitment and patience. Resolve to work at making things better between you and keeping your promises. Give each other space to figure out any new roles within your relationship and take things slowly.
Focus on your behavior.
Although step nine can be difficult, participants should remember that if it were easy, everyone would be doing it. It takes willingness and courage to reflect on and find a resolution to your mistakes. If the recovering alcoholic is able to do this, then it demonstrates that they are progressing positively and ready for the tenth step. The guilt for your wrongdoings will eventually dissipate and by making an apology and amends, you will be able to let go and live.
Step Nine: Making Amends in Recovery
More often than not, step nine will be painful, but also equally freeing. There is no denying that taking step nine takes tremendous courage. In sum, when recovering alcoholics reach step nine, they are completely connected to their Higher Power. The steps ensure that those in recovery feel supported, safe, and secure in making the next what is a living amends step to freedom from addiction. In the making of an amend, be prepared for a variety of reactions including acceptance, indifference, or even outright hostility. It’s definitely central to respect the desires of individuals who opt out and to concentrate on your recovery, rather than on achieving forgiveness or easing personal guilt.
However you make your list, be sure you don’t restrict or censure yourself. You can even include your own name to acknowledge the self-harm you’ve caused and want to heal. Seeing this list helps you understand the impact you have on the world around you, the responsibility you have and will hold you accountable for dealing with it. And that willingness to make amends will be essential when you’re ready to go on to Step 9. The 8th Step leads you to the knowledge that there are things you can and can’t change by identifying who you’ve harmed and how you’ve harmed them and then making a list.
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- Again, in recovery, your words may not mean as much to some people as you wish they would.
- The unfortunate truth is that we’re all human and we all fall short sometimes.
- We don’t need to delve into the past and apologize for every birthday party we missed, every fight we picked or the years we were absent— either physically or emotionally.
- When a person gets sober, it can be difficult to process the pain they have caused their loved ones.
- Taking these actions helps us to separate ourselves from the disease of addiction.